Current band members of The Temperance Seven
Captain Chris Buckley
Intrepid Leader and Sousaphone. Fearless …. Brave …. Gutsy …. Daring …. Gritty …. Heroic …. Gallant …. Valiant …. Courageous …. Unblinking …. Indomitable …. Unflinching ….zzzz …zzzz... zzz...
Colonel Alexander Hitchcock Galloway
Second-In-Command and Megaphonic Refrain. The Colonel is best known for his Gargantuan Appetite and answers to the Soubriquet “Trencherman” within the Ranks of the Orchestra. Silver Medallist at the Prince Phillip National Flatulence Championships, the Colonel lists his Hobbies as Fasting and Flagellation.
Michael Grimsargh Deighan A.S.B.O.*
Banjo, Guitar, Ukulele. This Strange Specimen was Discovered Bungee Jumping off the Top of the Taj Mahal whilst playing Ravel’s Bolero on the Banjo and was Immediately Conscripted into the Ranks. Michael has a Current Application Lodged with the Royal Patent Office for ‘Banjo Jumping’. A Game, he has Invented, involving Five Thirty Stone Plus Charladies and Sixteen Banjos.
* Associate of the Society of Bacchanalian Onanists
Flight Commander Patrick Rixon (Rtd)
Trombone au Piston. In these Unenlightened Times of Grave National Security, the Band’s Safety and Welfare must remain Paramount. It was to this End that F.C.P.R. Generously Volunteered to be the “Band Taster” on Each and Every Gig, Before, During, and After the Event. This Selfless and Altruistic Act often sees Patrick going about his Duty with Obsessive Religious Zeal, quite often Adopting a Horizontal Worshipping Position.
The Right Hon. John Tucker Q.C. W.C. (STAIN)
Cornet. The Right Honourable Gentleman made Legal History in the High Court last year by Successfully Defending a Rat accused of Stealing a Loaf of Bread from a Dustbin in Miles Platting. My Learned Friend argued that his Client had a Cast-Iron Alibi, him being up a Drainpipe in Chorlton-Cum-Hardy at the time of the Alleged Offence.
Dr Warren Sheivt-E-Latham
Baritone and Alto Saxophones. Dr Warren Commutes between his Worcestershire Mansion and his Croft on the Outskirts of Dubai where he breeds Shetland Ponies for the British Olympic Midget Polo Team. The Good Doctor has many Plaudits and Accolades to his name. The most Recent having Won Third Place in the Most Accomplished Liar in the World Competition.
Private William Entwistle
Clarinet, Alto Saxophone, Euro-Whistle, Violin, Mandolin, Gamelin, Pangolin Sadolin. This Shy and Retiring Creature is Literally the ‘Chef d’Orchestre’. Before being Press-Ganged into this Motley Crew, William Owned and Ran a Pie Stall on the Wigan By-pass. The Van Speciality, of which the Local Clientele could never seem to get enough, was the ENTYKEBAB*, a Size Eight Knitting Needle Skewered through a Meat and Potato Pie, a Ring of Black Pudding, a Faggot, a Pickled Egg and a Roll Mop Herring dipped into a Vat of George Formby Brown Sauce (Traffic Accidents were Unusually High on this Stretch of the By-pass). The Band are Looking Forward to Tucking into this Homely Comestible when the Professor's Planning Permission comes through for the Kitchen Extension to his Grand Jazz Percussion Kit. William also has a little bit of Previous, having done Seventeen-and-a-Half Minutes Community Service for Manufacturing Counterfeit Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls.
* This Award Winning Delicacy earned William Five Leather Stars from the Dunlop Master Saddle Maker's Guild.
We welcome the appointment of Sub-mariner Anthony Kennedy-Arkwright to the massed ranks of the orchestra. A quiet cove with a very nifty line in humour, the Sub-mariner, also known as A.K.A., made his mark as the first parachute packer in the Senior Service. His great prowess as an Olympic swimmer also earned him a commendation for gallantry when, after engine failure in the submarine in which he was serving, found itself stranded on the bottom of the ocean. A.K.A. immediately sprang into action issuing orders left, right and centre whilst hatching a cunning plan to divert the enemy sub that was tracking them. Sandwiched between two dirigible landing craft, welded together with Dubber Blubber Rubber adhesive and with giant paddles attached to his arms, A.K.A. was launched disguised as a right wally whale to lure the enemy to impending disaster on some nearby rocks, thus saving all his shipmates from a watery grave. Even now, when setting up the Grand Jazz percussion kit, one gets the slightest whiff of rubber… The Captain and Mr Grimsargh welcome A.K.A. to the rhythm section of this fine orchestra. The good doctor has been banished to the front line once more.
Monsieur Pierre D'Anby, previously on baritone and alto, has taken a sabbatical to have his parts orchestrated and search for the lost Bhajaan tribe of Outer Mongolia.